Dating is HARD! I’ve been out of the dating scene for years, but from speaking with friends, family members, coworkers, and pretty much everyone, I can clearly see it is not for the faint of heart. It feels like a triathlon for those who are considered attractive by "societal standards” (insert big eye roll), but what about for my plus size babes. I received an extremely valid question from a young woman on how to build confidence while dating in a plus size body. She is constantly being berated with hurtful comments, such as “no one will date you until you lose weight,” and because of that, is quite terrified to even put herself out there. I can relate to these comments all too well as I spent years feeling like I wasn’t deserving of love until I was disciplined enough to shed some pounds. Though my confidence has definitely skyrocketed over the years, I still occasionally feel insecure being married to a very fit man. I’m thankful to have a husband who tells me how beautiful I am everyday and makes me feel desired, but my heart breaks for those of you who never hear how wonderful you are but instead are faced with negative comments such as the one mentioned above. I want you to know that love is not waiting in “onederland” or size 6 clothes; its already within you. The secret is that once you fall in love with yourself and KNOW that you are a prize, others will take notice and long to be next to you. The secret isn’t in a golden workout routine or diet, its in being confident and demanding love, respect, and attention. It’s in demanding what you absolutely deserve. So how exactly do you build that confidence?
Speak Positivity into Your Life
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, start standing in front of your mirror every morning and challenge yourself to say something positive before you focus on what you don’t like. Like a plant, whatever emotion you water, will continue to grow until ultimately it takes over every other plant in the house. If you only focus on hating your body, then you will hate your body and convince everyone else to do the same. If you start to appreciate your belly, your thighs, your rolls, your imperfections, then you will begin to see your body as a companion instead of a foe. It is extremely difficult to change your mindset in the beginning, but I guarantee, after challenging yourself for a few weeks, you will be amazed when finally you are able to compliment yourself BEFORE thinking about what you would like to change. If the mirror exercise is too intense for you, you can start by journaling all of the things that you like about your body and adding to the list everyday. Another method is to put post it notes up around your home to remind you of how beautiful and amazing you are. Once you fill your mind with positivity, you will see that you are perfect right now in the current moment.
Avoid Negative People
I know loved ones can mean well, but if their comments are hurting you, you just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. If someone says you won’t find anyone until you lose weight, tell them that any discussion of your body is officially off the table. If they still insist on bringing it up, then you may just have to cut them off for awhile. If a guy that you are dating is making you feel this way, then that is a clear sign he is not the guy for you and you should drop him immediately. Also, if you feel that the guy you are dating is only looking for sex and to be confined inside your home instead of taking you out and showing you off, let that relationship go. Its so tempting to hold on to those type of situationships because you don’t want to be alone, but trust me, it will only further lower your self esteem and trick you into believing that you are less than. A true relationship consists of dates outside the home and meeting your partner’s friends and family.
Wear What You Want
I get a lot of questions about how to dress sexy, which is completely fine if that’s the look you’re going for. However, I want you to always prioritize comfort. I used to wear waist trainers religiously because it gave me that ridiculous hour glass figure that everyone idolizes, but I couldn’t eat, sit down comfortably, or barely breathe with those things on! If you are not comfortable, you will not be in the best mood and you will not fully enjoy your date. Your mind will be so focused on the discomfort that you won’t be concentrating on really getting to know your date. So before all else, prioritize comfort. Wear what makes YOU feel good and most beautiful. When you feel good, that light literally radiates off of you and others will take notice. A date is the time to show off your individual style and personality, so don’t try to copy another style that isn’t really you. As a source of inspiration, however, here are a few of my looks that you can now shop: Shop My Looks
If nothing else, I hope this blog post encourages you to love yourself more and understand that you are deserving of love. Everybody is different and has different preferences for what they desire in a partner. So if you’re not someone’s cup of tea, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, it just means that you need to find the person who is looking for YOU. Confidence is incredibly sexy and this is what will capture someone’s attention at the end of the day. If you don’t feel that you are a prize, why should they? Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with losing weight if that’s what you desire, but do it for yourself and your health, not to simply feel more attractive. You are already attractive!
xoxo, Global Midwife
P.S. I’m going to address intimacy as a plus size woman, BUT this content will only be available for my friends who sign up for my exclusive content. Simply scroll to the bottom of this page and enter your email address to sign up; its completely free and will provide special content on body positivity, fashion, travel, and women’s health. Can’t wait to get to know you better!